MACHETE KILLS

 

Comedy, action, bizarre humor 2013

 

MACHETE CORTEZ (Danny Trejo) is a former federale agent who, not surprisingly, is handy with a machete. The film begins with a trailer (complete with the black flecks of old celluloid film) for a non-existent movie of Machete on an SF intergalactic mission. The actual plot starts with Machete trying to capture crooked soldiers who are selling arms to the Mexican cartels. Then gangsters appear and kill the soldiers. Then another group kills the gangsters. A corrupt Sherriff DOAKES appears, arrests Machete, and puts him on a stool with a hangman's noose around his neck.  After some racist comments, Doakes tells his deputy CLEBOURN to kick out the stool. Machete drops, but, in the first of several inexplicable events, doesn't die.  Then the President of the United States, RATHCOCK, calls and asks to talk to Machete. With reluctance, Doakes shoots the rope above Machete, who then answers the phone.

 

And thus begins the insanity.

 

The president wants Machete to go into Mexico and kill MARCOS MENDEZ, a terrorist threatening to nuke Washington if the president doesn't stop the drug cartels. But there's a catch: Mendez has wired his heart to the missile, so if he's killed, the missile will fire automatically--unless someone takes his heart out of his body and keeps it beating. So Machete must get Mendez back to the USA and to the one person who can disarm the missile. And he has only twenty-four hours or the missile will fire anyway.

 

There is a lot of action--car-chases, shoot-outs, fist-fights, etc. For me, the body count goes too high even for satire, but it is exciting.  There's also a lot of big boobs, women in leather bras and panties, and a fair amount of titillation, but no tits.  The jokes are low-brow to an extreme. When a woman is about to undo the top of her dress, a sign flashes, "PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES." But, sigh, the scene changes before you can see anything. A MADAM DESDEMONA, who runs a whorehouse and an assassins ring, straps on a gun-brassiere and a gun-dildo (that shoots from the testicles) and tries to kill Machete.

 

This movie should appeal to 13 year-old boys. The plot is ridiculous, the characters are paper thin and the jokes are puerile, but guys - let's face reality.  Most of us have an inner 13 year-old we can relate to without effort.

 

Two of my least favorite actors, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are in the film and play shithead characters. They do a good job with these roles, probably because they are shitheads themselves.

 

The flick is good for working out (though not much else).  It should get your pulse up to at least a jog.  I give it +++.