Review of DELTA FORCE

DELTA FORCE

Action, Lee Marvin, Chuck Norris, Teheran, hostage crisis, terrorism, hijacking, 1986

 

The film starts with the unsuccessful 1980 attempt to rescue American hostages seized by Teheran. A helicopter has crashed, and the soldiers are retreating to their plane.  Acting against orders, Captain SCOTT MCCOY (Chuck Norris - who else?), rescues a fellow officer PETE PETERSON and afterwards resigns from the army because he's so disgusted with all the screw-ups.

Five years later, two men with suits that scream, 'I want to be conspicuous,' board and hijack a plane from Greece to Rome (and then New York). When the men, ABDUL RAFAI and MUSTAFA (played by David Menachem, a nice irony), find a ring with Hebrew lettering, they tell the stewardess, INGRID HARDING, to identify all the Jewish names on the passports. She cries and says as a German, she won't cooperate with such a selection process, but after getting slapped around, she agrees to read the passport names, and  people with names like Kaplan or Goldman are called up to the front of the plane. To add to the pathos, one of the Jews has little numbers tattooed on his arm.

The pilot, Captain ROGER CAMPBELL, manages to flick an emergency switch that the terrorist standing right next to him is too stupid to recognize. Thus, the famed, elite DELTA FORCE, led by NICK ALEXANDER (Lee Marvin) and assisted by McCoy (persuaded to come out of retirement and now a colonel) is activated.

The plane flies to BEIRUT, LEBANON where the Jewish hostages are taken off the plane and transferred to a terrorist hideout, then to ALGIERS, where the women and children are released. There, they first confront the Delta Force, and, after a disastrous gunfight (due to lousy intelligence), return to Beirut. Delta force follows, and the confrontations begin in earnest.

I don't know if this counts as a spoiler, but with both Lee Marvin and Chuck Norris as leaders, how can Delta Force lose?

There is a lot of silliness in this movie. The terrorists go to Beirut, refuse to release the women and children, and then fly to Algiers where they willingly release the women and children. Then they return to Beirut without difficulty, even though their fuel tanks were leaking from bullet holes.  And, of course you have the standard insanity of people having the shit beat out of them and still jumping back up and fighting some more.

There was one point of suspense which persisted almost to the end: would the Jews be rescued or would the terrorists murder them first?

This is an exciting moving and most of it engages your attention.  I give it ++++.  It will often get your working-out pulse up to a run.

MACHETE KILLS

 

Comedy, action, bizarre humor 2013

 

MACHETE CORTEZ (Danny Trejo) is a former federale agent who, not surprisingly, is handy with a machete. The film begins with a trailer (complete with the black flecks of old celluloid film) for a non-existent movie of Machete on an SF intergalactic mission. The actual plot starts with Machete trying to capture crooked soldiers who are selling arms to the Mexican cartels. Then gangsters appear and kill the soldiers. Then another group kills the gangsters. A corrupt Sherriff DOAKES appears, arrests Machete, and puts him on a stool with a hangman's noose around his neck.  After some racist comments, Doakes tells his deputy CLEBOURN to kick out the stool. Machete drops, but, in the first of several inexplicable events, doesn't die.  Then the President of the United States, RATHCOCK, calls and asks to talk to Machete. With reluctance, Doakes shoots the rope above Machete, who then answers the phone.

 

And thus begins the insanity.

 

The president wants Machete to go into Mexico and kill MARCOS MENDEZ, a terrorist threatening to nuke Washington if the president doesn't stop the drug cartels. But there's a catch: Mendez has wired his heart to the missile, so if he's killed, the missile will fire automatically--unless someone takes his heart out of his body and keeps it beating. So Machete must get Mendez back to the USA and to the one person who can disarm the missile. And he has only twenty-four hours or the missile will fire anyway.

 

There is a lot of action--car-chases, shoot-outs, fist-fights, etc. For me, the body count goes too high even for satire, but it is exciting.  There's also a lot of big boobs, women in leather bras and panties, and a fair amount of titillation, but no tits.  The jokes are low-brow to an extreme. When a woman is about to undo the top of her dress, a sign flashes, "PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES." But, sigh, the scene changes before you can see anything. A MADAM DESDEMONA, who runs a whorehouse and an assassins ring, straps on a gun-brassiere and a gun-dildo (that shoots from the testicles) and tries to kill Machete.

 

This movie should appeal to 13 year-old boys. The plot is ridiculous, the characters are paper thin and the jokes are puerile, but guys - let's face reality.  Most of us have an inner 13 year-old we can relate to without effort.

 

Two of my least favorite actors, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are in the film and play shithead characters. They do a good job with these roles, probably because they are shitheads themselves.

 

The flick is good for working out (though not much else).  It should get your pulse up to at least a jog.  I give it +++.

Review of THE LONE RANGER

THE LONE RANGER

Action, western, Johnny Depp 2013

Up, up in the sky.  It's a man, it's a bird, no it's ...

Oops.  Sorry. Wrong clichéd hero.

Come with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...

Ah, that's the one.

The movie starts at a 1933 San Francisco fair with a scenic, obviously painted backdrop of the Golden Gate bridge in construction. In one of the fair's exhibits, WILL, a ten-year-old who dresses like THE LONE RANGER, is staring at a diorama of an elderly Native American in front of a teepee. To Will's astonishment, the Native American turns to will and asks him if he brought the horses. The man soon identifies himself as TONTO (Johnny Depp), the Lone Ranger's sidekick.

Flashback to 1869, cue the William Tell overture (with some modifications), adrenalin surges and we see Tonto and the mysterious masked man jump on their horses. The Lone Ranger feels silly wearing a mask, but Tonto assures him it's necessary. They and ride into town…and rob a bank, for crying out loud.

Back to 1933 and a disillusioned Will who can't believe his idol was a thief. "There are times when good men must wear mask," Tonto says. We return to 1869 some weeks before the bank robbery, and meet JOHN REID, a highly scrupulous lawyer (?) and prosecutor who says the legal codes are his Bible.  John is traveling West on a train with a prison car carrying the chained, infamous and psychopathic Butch Cavendish to stand trial and be executed (forgone conclusion). In the same car is Tonto, also in chains (though why is never explained.)  Butch's gang rescues Butch, Tonto also frees himself, and John somehow gets involved in the whole mess. After a harrowing escape, John and Tonto find themselves on the ground next to the train tracks, whereupon John arrests Tonto. After all, he was in a prison car.  He must be guilty of something.

And thus begins the partnership of the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

This movie did poorly at the box office, which is a shame because it's a lot of fun, mainly due to Depp's portrayal of Tonto. The Yoda-like bits of wisdom and the smart-ass comments add good contrast to the 1956 Lone Ranger movie with Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels. In one scene, they're buried up to their necks, and Tonto says, "Could be worse."

"How could it be worse?" the Lone Ranger asks excitedly.

"You could develop an itch on your nose and not be able to scratch."

Whereupon the ranger does indeed get an itchy nose.

The modern movie has explicit poop, prostitutes, and psychopaths, and Cavendish's insane violence and even cannibalism goes over the top. Still, these extremes make a more interesting film than the fairly sanitized 1956 flick.  Some of the action scenes go a little two long, but they hold your interest. And when the William Tell overture starts playing, particularly in the last scenes, it really gets your heart racing.

All in all, I give this +++++. It will get your pulse up to a sprint.

Review of HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER

HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER

MARKO RAMIUS (Sean Connery) is the captain of a nuclear armed Soviet submarine, RED OCTOBER, with innovative stealth technology called a caterpillar drive.  Marko receives orders from a Soviet operative, IVAN PUTIN, to rendezvous with a colleague and former student, TUPOLEV, for maneuvers. However, Marko has other plans. He kills the Soviet operative and substitutes forged orders taking him to Los Angeles. Marko also takes Putin's key to the nuclear weapons.  With his key and Putin's key, he can now launch nuclear weapons by himself, a major breach of security. To make matters more interesting, Marko has sent a message to his superior about this plan to hijack the sub. Now, the entire Soviet navy is chasing him and trying to sink the Red October.

While in the Atlantic, Marko engages the stealth mode. The U.S. submarine DALLAS is nearby, sees the apparent disappearance of the Red October, and notifies Washington. The CIA's first thought is that Marko wants to launch a first strike on the USA.  However, analyst JACK RYAN, a regular in Clancy novels, thinks of an alternate possibility; maybe MARKO wants to defect.

JONES, a sailor on the Dallas, figures out how to track the Red October even with the stealth drive engaged, so the US sub ends up following the Russian sub. Ryan is transported on a dangerous helicopter trip to the Dallas to try to guess whether Marko's intention is attack or defection. Meanwhile, the Red October's stealth drive fails; sailors fix it, but the failure was due to sabotage and the culprit is unknown.

Is Ryan right that Marco wants only to defect, or is Los Angeles really in danger?  How and why is a saboteur on the sub, and will he destroy the Red October?  Will the Russian navy destroy its own submarine?

These are interesting questions, but the main question--will Marko provoke a nuclear war between the USA and the USSR al la Dr. Strangelove--is not in issue. The American navy shows no doubt that they can intercept and destroy the Red October before it does damage. The only big question is whether they should try to spare Marko--and acquire the innovative sub and its new technology in the bargain.

 The saboteur is never explained. Worse, Marko tells his boss what he plans and nearly wrecks the sub himself by overloading the subs engines to save a few minutes.  Still, Sean Connery does a superb job in the portrayal. While the film itself has a lot of faults, boredom isn't one of them. It captures your interest throughout.  I give it +++++ - it will get your pulse up to a sprint.

Review of "DONNIE BRASCO"

DONNIE BRASCO

DONNIE BRASCO is the assumed name of an FBI agent infiltrating the Mafia. LEFTY is a lower level official in the mob, who, having no idea of Donnie's true purposes, develops a liking to Donnie, and introduces him to the intricacies of life in organized crime.  Donnie does so well as a gangster, he surpasses Lefty, much to his mentor's chagrin. In fact, Donnie feels such comfort being with the mob, he neglects his own family to the point where his wife threatens to divorce him. Though Lefty is an unrepentant murderer, he's also a bitter and depressed wretch, and Donnie feels a sense of obligation towards him even greater than his obligation to his wife. The FBI can't contact Donnie, and the question arises--will he leave his family and job and become an actual mobster?

One particularly poignant moment comes when Lefty sees a crime boss introduce Donnie as 'our friend,' code that means Donnie has risen above Lefty in the organization's ranks.

Al Pucino, one of my favorite actors, plays Lefty with his usual offhanded style.. Johnny Depp plays Donnie.  It's nice to see Depp in a straight role instead of the nutcase portrayals like Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, and the Mad Hatter.

Though there are a lot of characters, it's easy to follow the main ones, and the plot unfolds in a straightforward manner. It's not at all clear why Lefty befriends Donnie, but the rest of the story is quite realistic. Certainly, why Donnie puts up with Lefty's bossiness is obvious when you see that Donnie works for the FBI.

Apparently, all the major characters in this film are based on actual historical figures, in particular, Donnie himself.

Like Boardwalk Empire, this is a story about the FBI and the mob. You might not want to watch one right after the other since that does end up a little confusing.

This is an enjoyable movie and a good workout movie.  I give it +++++ - parts of it will get you pulse up to a sprint. If you see it, let me know what you think.