Review of "BATTLESHIP"

BATTLESHIP:

An experimental message beamed to the stars has brought a few alien ships to attack Earth (again). In brief, there are just a few Navy ships in position to destroy the radio antennas the aliens will use to radio for reinforcements (ET phone home?), and the aliens sink them all. But wait--the old battleship Missouri, now serving as a museum but still functional, is in the area, and the sailors use that to save the day.

The plot flaws in this movie are pathetic. To give just one example, the original message was beamed to an earth-like planet unknown light-years away, but the invading aliens show up just a few days later, and there is no attempt at rationalization of this impossibility.

The characters aren't much better. Hopper, the protagonist, is a young man who, to put it kindly, has zero impulse control. The first twenty minutes show nothing but his antics, and he ends up joining the Navy to avoid going to jail. For reasons I can't fathom, he wins the heart of a beautiful girl, Sam, who is also the admiral's daughter. Clever and realistic, right? Wrong. Then there is a depressed double amputee veteran who, surprise, also helps save the world and cures his depression in the process. Best of all is a Japanese officer who sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The alien ship looks like something out of a transformer movie. We never learn anything about the aliens themselves except that they're humanoid, have beards like a hog's hair brush, and are afraid of bright light.

There is one stirring scene, where the sailors who had survived the alien attack climb on the battleship and despair of ever getting it functional. Then the veterans who had sailed the ship during WWII and who have been working on the ship as museum curators appear--in uniform--one by one, and you know how humanity will win this war. Yes, melodramatic. Yes, trite. But still thrilling.

The music is stirring but forgettable. There's a lot of action, but sometimes it goes on and on without plot progression. For example, about thirty minutes in the beginning shows blow after futile blow from naval ships fighting the alien monster in what is clearly a losing battle. There's no suspense, just a series of explosives landing on destroyers and gunboats who are ineffectually firing back.

Insofar as cinematic qualities go, this movie is a POS (piece of shit, for those not familiar with the acronym.)  But as a workout movie, it will get your pulse up to a jog, so I give it +++. If you see it, let me know what you think.