Edgar Rice Burroughs (the actual author of the
John Carter on Mars series) is, in this movie, the nephew and only heir of wealthy,
eccentric JOHN CARTER. When Carter dies suddenly, Burroughs inherits Carter's
diary. In it, Carter, a former Confederate Army captain tells his story in
which, after years of fruitless prospecting, he finally finds a gold mine, but
is confronted by a mysterious man in grey robes. He shoots the man who utters
mostly incomprehensible words ending in 'Barsoom.' Carter is then transported
to Barsoom, that is, Mars.
Carter's first discovery is that he can jump ten or twenty
times as high and far as he usually can, though it takes a little while for him
to control this ability without falling over. His second discovery is that big
(not little) green men with four arms and tusks, THARKS, live here.
Mars also has humans who apparently live in only two cities,
HELIUM and ZODANGA, which have been at war for many generations. More
mysterious men in grey, THERNS, are helping the Zodangans, the bad guys, with advice
and with a special weapon ninth-ray weapon. The Heliumiates can't compete with
such firepower. The Zodangan leader, SAB THAN, plans to vanquish completely the
defeated Heliumites by marrying their princess, DEJAH THORIS. This, for Dejah
is a fate worse than death. Worse, Dejah is about to discover the secrets of
the ninth-ray weapon, so the Therns plan to kill her after the wedding.
Pretty bad situation, huh? But don't worry. John Carter is
on Barsoom.
This movie has some nice eye-candy. That's about the best
thing I can say about it.
The first problem is John Carter himself. Not only does the
movie show him as a violent psychopath, but he is a former Confederate Army
officer. I have no respect for people who are willing to fight and die for the
cause of enslaving other human beings.
The second problem--scientific absurdities. And I mean
absurd. Mar's gravity is about one third of Earth's, so a human on Mars
(assuming he has supplemental oxygen) should be able to jump about three times
as far as on Earth. Carter flies around like Superman. Then there is the
problem of convergent evolution producing almost identical humans on two
different planets. And finally, in this era of Mars mapping and exploration,
how can there be an advanced civilization there? This last could have been solved by saying
Carter was temporally transported back a few million years in addition to
spatial transport, but the producers didn't bother with an explanation.
Stupidities like these aside, the plot is maudlin,
superficial and predictable. I have a little sympathy for the Thark Sola who
might be executed due to no fault of her own, but otherwise don't care for any
of these characters.
And what kind of name is Helium for a city. Is it supposed to float away?
The movie has a lot of good action scenes. In one, Carter
destroys a whole army of Tharks with scarcely a sweat, putting Burton and Eastwood in
Where Eagles Dare to shame. Unfortunately, the fighting is sort of random. It
breaks out, lasts a shorter or longer time, and then is over without any
resolution. Several other scenes are random, shifting from one situation to
another without a transition to let the viewer know what's happening.
I'm glad I didn't pay to see this movie in the theater. As a
movie, it's a POS. As a workout aid, I give it ++ - it will get your pulse up
to a walk.
No comments:
Post a Comment