Review of HEAVY METAL 2000

HEAVY METAL 2000

Animation, Fantasy. Violence. Released 2000 

A hoarse narrator states that in the depths of space lies a green crystal. It is an artifact from the ancient and cruel race, the ARAKACIANS, long since destroyed, and will lead the finder to the Fountain of Immortality. There's a catch: whoever touches it will go crazy. TYLER, a miner on an asteroid, finds the crystal and, not having heard the narrator, picks it up and becomes stark, raving bonkers. He kills his partner and takes over the spaceship.

First stop is the planet EDEN, whose inhabitants have H2O-475, the immortality fluid, inside them (but not enough to make them immortal). This makes them young and beautiful. KERRIE is an example. We meet her in the shower in the first of all too few completely gratuitous tit-shots. Tyler and his men kill almost all of the Edenites to drain this wonderful fluid for their use, but Kerrie is spared. Tyler has other plans for her--snicker, snicker. Also, Kerrie's sister, JULIE, survives the carnage, and vows revenge.

Julie follows Tyler to a bar in NEO CALCUTTA, and a vicious fight erupts, much to the dismay of the bar's owner. At the end, Tyler is near death, but--oh no--he swigs some of the H2O-475 he stole from Eden, and is miraculously restored to perfect health. How can Julie kill him? She follows him to the planet of OROBORIS, where the well of immortality lies. There, she meets a stone man, ZEEK, and an Obi-wan like figure, Odin. But will they be able to stop Tyler from getting to the well and then enslaving the galaxy?

Some of the jokes are truly puerile. When Julie is about to land on Neo Calcutta, she is given approach coordinates of A-N-U-S-6-3-7-0, and later, a visa number U-R-F-U-K-D-8-8-1. Also, the film has a lot of Star-Wars imagery, which is sort of funny.

There is a significant moral question that could have been discussed. Tyler was probably a normal guy before he touched the crystal, and he had no reason to suspect its powers. So should he be held responsible for his horrendous actions afterwards or is he innocent? However, this is not a movie to delve into deep philosophical issues.

This is a sequel to HEAVY METAL, and those who liked the original will probably like this. It has the same crude animation, one theme instead of several short episodes, much less eroticism (though the armor Julie wears at the end is really hot), and somewhat less humor. Still, it is an amusing film and should get your pulse up to a job. I give it +++.

Review of HEAVY METAL

HEAVY METAL

heavy metal, graphic novel, animation nudity, 1981

A spaceship in low Earth orbit opens its bay door and out comes…a 1969 Corvette. Astronaut GRIMALDI drives/pilots the car to a safe landing in the desert, and with this bit of nonsense the film begins. Grimaldi opens a case he brought to show his the-year old daughter a green sphere, but the sphere disintegrates him, identifies itself as the LOC-NAR, the 'sum of all evils,' and forces the terrified girl to look inside it and see vignettes of what bad things it has done.

The first vignette is typical. A cab driver, HARRY CANYON, picks up a young shixalicious (my contribution to the English language) woman who is fleeing RUDNICK, a gangster who had killed her father while trying to get the Loc-Nar from him. Harry takes the girl back to his apartment for safety, and that night, instead of staying on the couch, she undresses and crawls into bed with him. It turns out the girl has try Loc-Nar, and decides to sell it to Rudnick and split the proceeds with Harry. But when Rudnick takes Loc-Nar out of its case, he disintegrates. The girl then says she wants to keep the money for herself, but Harry has a disintegrator specifically for fares who try to stiff him, and he uses it on her.

What? It doesn't make any sense? Don't worry about it. It isn't supposed to. It's just something to watch and let your mind be carried along with the absurdities.

The movie is an animated adaptation of the graphic novel of the same name. While the music is heavy metal, it's not so loud as to break your eardrums, and, in fact, fits nicely with the story, such as it is. The animation is primitive by today's standards, but that just adds to the charm and keeps you from trying to take it seriously.  There's lots of bizarre aliens, unrealistic blood and gore, and big breasted women with perky nipples and occasional glimpses of pubic hair, though no outright pornography. Hay, I like it.

The movie was largely panned when released, but afterwards became somewhat of a cult classic (like the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW). I enjoyed it, and plan to see the sequel HEAVY METAL 2008.  The combination of humor and action kept me interested and entertained. It's no cinematic masterpiece, but as a workout movie, it will get your pulse up to a run.  I give it ++++.