Review of POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

2003,

ARBIE and WENDY, two high school teens, are pledging undying love while making out in a graveyard. He has trouble loosening her bra, so she, with a pleasant smile, unhooks it herself, revealing a lovely pair of boobs. A crazed man with a hatchet in one hand and his erect penis in another staggers towards them, and they run away. Then a tentacle comes out from a grave, plunges itself into the man’s ass and out through his mouth.

This pretty much sets the tone of the movie.

A semester later, Wendy returns from college as a member of CLAM – College Lesbians Against Megacorporations. Wendy, her girlfriend MICKIE (whose boobs, as we later see, are not nearly as nice), and other Clam members are protesting a new AMERICAN CHICKEN BUNKER (ACB) restaurant because, a) it’s on an old Native American burial site, and b) it’s mean to chickens. Wendy’s betrayal upsets Arbie so much, he wants revenge and marches into the protested restaurant to get a job.

All the employees have restaurant themed names. The manager is Denny, and the workers are Carl Junior, Paco Bell, and Humus, who wears a bright red burka which she rips off at the end of the movie.

Strange things (to say the least) happen. Paco Bell is pushed into the meat grinder by an uncooked chicken and is turned into a talking ‘sloppy Jose’ sandwich. Carl Jr. tries to fuck a dead chicken, but it bites his dick which then looks like a broomstick with a circumcised head.  Through all of this, bodily fluids of a profusion of colors (but not white) are sprayed all over walls, floors, toilets, and people. The head of the ACB corporation, GENERAL LEE ROY, a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders and a former KKK member, tells everyone not to worry, but when people start turning into chicken zombies, matters really go downhill.

This is a stupid, gross, immature film. I’m surprised it got reasonably good reviews. It’s clearly aimed at thirteen-year-old heterosexual boys. But let’s face it, guys; a thirteen-year-old who laughs at fart jokes and cries out ‘BOOBIES’ at the sight of bare breasts lies not far beneath the surface in all of us. This movie made me laugh, and that helps my workout. I give it ++++.  It will frequently get your pulse up to a run.

Review of ORGAZMO

ORGAZMO 1997

JOE YOUNG is a Mormon missionary who, with his partner, finds lots of doors slammed in his face. One elderly woman is friendly and discusses her garden, but when he tells her he is LDS, she calls him a soul-stealer and tells him to fuck off.

MAXX ORBISON is a porn producer shooting a film, ORGAZMO, about a superhero who beats up bad guys and disables them with orgasm inducing rays. Maxx has a problem--his leading man is an unconvincing wimp. When Joe and his partner knock on Maxx's door, Maxx is so pissed off at being interrupted he orders his henchmen to beat them up. However, the Mormon boy knows karate and trashes the henchmen. Maxx is so impressed, he wants to hire Joe as his new leading man, and will pay him $10,000 dollars for a few days' work.

You have to understand that Joe is the kind of guy who says goodbye to his fiancée, LISA, with the phrase "Jesus and I love you." How can he take money for that kind of work? But Lisa wants to get married in the main Utah temple, which requires big bucks. Joe asks a little statue of Jesus for a sign, whereupon a small earthquake knocks the statue over, but that isn't clear enough for poor Joe. After much haggling, Orbison agrees to provide a 'stunt cock' for the actual vaginal penetration, and Joe agrees to become Orgazmo.

Needless to say, this will not go smoothly.

This flick is as funny as South Park, so it's no surprise it has the same writers, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The plot is silly and unrealistic, the characters are caricatures, grossness abounds, and even the fight scenes are obviously staged. Who cares? It's satire and it's hilarious. The film is not kind to the LDS church, but it isn't mean, either; in spite of his faults, Joe is basically a good guy.

The film has gotten a lot of bad write-ups, but those reviewers must have taken it too seriously. I laughed out loud during most of it. I give it ++++. It will get your pulse up to at least a run.

Review of LOONY TUNES-BACK IN ACTION.

LOONEY TUNES-BACK IN ACTION

 

Animated live action, Warner Brothers, satire, humor, Bugs Bunny, Daffy, Steve Martin, Brendon Fraser,

 

DAFFY DUCK is unhappy. His friend and competitor, BUGS BUNNY, gets all the attention and good roles, so Daffy insists the new VP of Warner Brothers, KATE HOUGHTON makes him a star in his own movie. Instead, she fires him.

 

Security guard D.J. DRAKE (Brendan Fraser) is also unhappy. He wants to be a stunt man. Worse, when Kate tells him to remove Daffy from the premises, a typical cartoon-style chase follows and ends with a water tower falling on and drenching Kate’s car, so DJ is fired as well.

 

It turns out DJ is the son of DAMIEN DRAKE (Timothy Dalton), a famous actor known for his Bond-type roles. Also, Damien really is a Bond-type spy. DJ gets a message from his father who is actively fighting bad guys while he talks. Dad wants DJ get a huge diamond with supernatural powers called the BLUE MONKEY (spoiler alert-it can turn people into monkeys.) So he goes to Las Vegas in old pizza-delivery car to rescue Damien and find the diamond. And, try as he might to prevent it, Daffy comes with.

 

Bugs won’t work without Daffy, and the WB board tells Kate to get him back or lose her own job. So she also goes to Las Vegas with Bugs in Damien’s sleek silver spy-car. This car is so classy, when Bugs says he’d like to freshen up, the car dressed him and Kate in formal ware and gives him a martini, shaken, not stirred, with a little carrot inside.

 

The head of ACME Corporation, MR. CHAIRMAN (Steve Martin), also wants the Blue Monkey. When Bugs, Daffy, DJ, and Kate walk into YOSEMITE SAM'S casino, owned by Mr. Chairman, the action ramps up.

 

This combined live action/animated flick also has Foghorn-leghorn, Marvin the Martian, Granny, Sylvester and Tweety, Wile E. Coyote, and many more. The interaction between them all is hilarious.  My favorite moment is when Daffy is thrown head-down into Bug's car, whereupon Bug's says, "What's up, Duck." And Daffy says, "Don't start."

 

Steve Martin plays his role with typical extravagant delightfulness, and Timothy Dalton plays his with admirable understatement. Brendon Fraser pokes fun at himself, but for some reason it doesn't come across. And the Walmart product placement is just product placement no matter how much they make fun of it.

 

All in all, this is a funny and enjoyable film.  It will make you laugh and get your workout post up to a run.  I rate it at ++++.

Review of ZOOLANDER

ZOOLANDER
Fashion  industry, models, male models, satire, comedy. Released 2001

DERECK ZOOLANDER (Ben Stiller) is a famous male model. He is three time winner of the Top Male Fashion Model award, as vain as Narcissus, and dumb as a post.  Quotes: "Words can only hurt you if you try to read them." "Eugoogiligist: A person who delivers eugoogiligies." "I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself." His competitor, HANSEL, has a comparable intellect--he smashes a computer on the floor and wonders why he doesn't see files inside it. When Hansel wins a Top Model award instead of Dereck, Dereck becomes depressed and retires from the business because "there must be something more to life than being really, really good looking." Fashion agent MAURY BALLSTEIN (Jerry Stiller - Ben's dad), tells Dereck that fashion mogul JACOBIM MUGATU (Will Ferrell) wants to hire him. Dereck agrees and goes to Mugatu's spa, where he is conditioned to kill the Malaysian prime minister.

Whoops. How did Malaysia get into this? Well, the prime minister has promised to give his citizens a living wage. This will increase expenses for the fashion industry, so the style cabal has decided to kill him. It turns out these same people were involved with the deaths of several prominent people including Lincoln and Kennedy.

If you think this is insane, you're right. This movie is satire from the first frame to the last, and taking it seriously will spoil the fun. And it is fun, both in the characters and the plot. Will Ferrell's portrayal of the fashion mogul Mugatu is especially hilarious. Milla Jovovich's portrayal of KATINKA--think Natashi from Rocky and Bullwinkle--is also good. And by good, I don't mean nuanced or realistic.

In essence, this film has one gag--how ridiculous people can be. I imagine watching it in one session would be boring. But viewing it in segments while you work out (I do about forty minutes each time) breaks it up nicely. I give it ++++. Laughing at the sheer stupidity will get your pulse up to a run.

Review of THE MIKADO.

THE MIKADO

The ruler of Titipo, a city in Japan, "resolved to try a plan whereby young men might best be steadied,

So he decreed in words succinct that all who flirted leered or winked, unless connubially linked

Should forthwith be beheaded."

The citizens were understandably upset by this, so they "then let out on bail a convict from the county jail,

Whose head was next on some pretext condemned to be mown off,

And made him headsman for (they) said, who's next to be decapited can not cut off another's head,

Until he's cut his own off."

And from this insanity, the story proceeds.

William Gilbert, the lyricist of this operetta, was an unrestrained satirist, and while some of the barbs are unfortunately aimed only at Japan (unfortunate since it's all too easy to make fun of other people), most of the ridicule points to his own society of Great Britain and to societies in general. Though written 150 years ago, most of the satire is applicable to our era, and needs only a little revision to remove the racism and sexism (standard in his time and place) and update some of the concepts to become completely relevant to modern times.

There are several productions of Mikado, and they differ widely in quality. Some take the operetta seriously, which I think is a deadly mistake. You-tube has several to choose from.

The music, by Arthur Sullivan, doesn't compare to Beethoven or Tchaikovsky, but it's lively and fun. Though I know most of the songs by heart (I'm in the violin section of a Stanford production), it still gets my pulse racing. As a workout movie, I give it ++++.  It will frequently get your pulse up to a run.

Review of THE MUSIC MAN

THE MUSIC MAN - 1962

The Music Man is a, satirical romantic musical comedy, and it works on all of these genres.

PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL (Robert Preston) has a nice little con going.  He sells band instruments and uniforms to children in small towns and promises the parents that by continually humming music, for example, Beethoven's Minuet in G, the kids will learn to play. After the equipment arrives and before the first band rehearsal, he collects the rest of the money and skips town, leaving the parents to the sad discovery that band equipment does not automatically create a band. 

RIVER CITY, IOWA, he hears, is an especially hard sell, so there he goes. First step--manufacture a need.  A new pool hall gives him the opportunity.  He climbs on a soapbox and rouses the townspeople with a brisk, rhythmic patter:

 

      You've got trouble, my friends, right here in River City,
      With a capitol T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool...

 Soon the whole town is worried about how:

       …libertine men and scarlet women, and ragtime, shameless music,

      will grab your son, your daughter in the arms of the jungle animal instinct,

      masssteria, friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground.

 Lucky for the town, Harold has a solution to the problem.

      A band will do it, my friends, oh yes, I said a boys' band, do you hear me? 
      River City's gotta have a boys' band and I mean she needs it today.
      Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand, River City's gonna have a boys' band,
      as sure as the Lord made little green apples, and that band's gonna be in uniform...

But Harold runs into a problem. He is attracted to the MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN, who advocates "dirty books, Chaucer, Rabelais, BALLzac."  After an incredibly gross attempt to woo her, he falls in love with her, and when the time comes for him to leave, he's reluctant.  Meanwhile, the townspeople are preparing the tar and feathers…

This movie can be summed up in two words--Robert Preston. His boundless energy and personality as he dashes about and distracts everyone from realizing that his promises are empty fluff are the best part of the film.  In addition, the music is wonderful, the dancing is energetic, the characters memorable, and the plot absurdly funny.

 The movie was 'updated' in 2003 to reflect modern 'sensibilities.'   I suspect someone thought Harold Hill's rants were serious--a mistake. The original movie is a parody, and whatever sensibilities the revision is supposed to correct can not make up for the lack of Robert Preston.

If you saw this film decades ago, you'll can enjoy it again.  If you never saw it, you have a treat in store for you. It's a superb movie. As a workout movie, it does have slow spots, but will still get your pulse up to a jog.  I give it +++.

Review of GOING POSTAL

GOING POSTAL:
This is another story about Terry Pratchett's discworld (see the review on HOGFATHER below). MOIST VON LIPWIG is a genial confidence man who is caught by the police and offered an alternative--death or revitalizing the post office.  Since the development of an invention called 'clacks'--a system like a telegraph but using long metal rods and light flashes instead of electricity--people no longer send letters, and the postoffice is desolate, dusty, and filled to overflowing with undelivered letters.  Moist tries to escape this job several times, but is always captured and brought back by an amiable golem called PUMP. Moist accepts the inevitable, returns to the post office, and does a good job of restoring it, in the process inventing stamps and perforations, express mail and other niceties. However, the owner of the clacks, REACHER GILT, is determined not to allow competitors, and is not above such tricks as arson and assassination to maintain his monopoly on messages. In addition to renovating the post office and avoiding both the hangman and Gilt's murderous antics, Moist falls in love with the owner of the Golem Trust, ADORA BELLE DEARHEART. He learns that the deeds in his former life as a conman were not the harmless pranks he had thought, and discovers that Adora's father was one of the people hurt by his schemes.  In addition to everything else, he must convince Adora of a noble character in spite of his tawdry past.

This is typical Pratchett insanity and is a lot of fun. The plot in this one is mostly coherent and the characters are interesting. The music is light and fits well with the mood. It didn't get my pulse up as much as HOGFATHER, but is still exciting enough to get +++ - it will get your pulse up as much as a jog. If you see it, let me know what you think.

Review of 'HOGFATHER'

HOGFATHER:

In far distant space is a planet shaped like a flat circle. It rests on the backs of four elephants that stand on the shell of a massive tortoise that swims through space (presumably near a star). This is discworld, the creation of Terry Pratchett, who has written more than thirty novels about this strange place.  Life on discworld is similar, but not quite the same as on Earth. The Hogfather is a typical example. Every year, on Hogswatch eve, this jolly, red-suited man with a snout and tusks like a hog travels in a sleigh drawn by four flying boars to deliver presents throughout the world.

Other characters in the story include:

Auditors, ghost-like creatures who want to kill Hogfather.

Mr. Teatime (four syllables, please, or he gets upset), the professional assassin hired for the job. Teatime sounds like a psychopathic version of Johnny Depp's benignly schizophrenic Willy Wonka.

Death, a pleasant and courteous skeleton with bright blue pinprick eyes who is trying to save Hogfather because if people don't believe in Hogfather, the sun won't rise the next morning. Death dresses up as Hogfather with a red suit, but he has difficulty with the ho-ho-ho's and can't understand why rich children get more toys than poor ones.

Susan, Death's adopted granddaughter. Though adopted, she still has some of grandpop's traits. She does not suffer fools gladly.

The Tooth Fairy, actually a whole franchise of young women who take teeth and leave money. The real Tooth Fairy is the reformed bogeyman.

Bilious, the god of hangovers, in a Roman toga.

The verrucas gnome, the hair-loss god, and various other minor deities.

           

As for plot, let me just say it's complicated and doesn't always make sense. The music is appropriately funny and sinister in turn. Towards the end, the movie slows and gets a bit preachy, but it isn't too bad.

Like other films reviewed here, Hogfather is not for everyone. If you aren't familiar with Terry Pratchet and if you like satire, this movie is a good introduction to the Discworld. I rate it ++++.  It gets my pulse up as much as a run. If you see it, let me know what you think.