Review of SNEAKERS

SNEAKERS

In 1969, MARTIN BRICE and COSMO (apparently no other name) are cyber-pranksters playing Robin Hood. Martin leaves their apartment to get pizza, and a few minutes later, the police, not happy with how the youths redistribute wealth, break in and arrest Cosmo. Martin goes on the lam.

Fast forward to the present (1992), where Martin, now MARTIN BISHOP (Robert Redford), heads a respectable but scarcely profitable team of security specialists. They who break into banks and then tell the managers where their defenses are weak.  Other team members include: DARREN "MOTHER" ROSKOW (Dan Aykroyd), who believes (among other things) the moon landing was staged; DONALD CREASE (Sidney Poitier), a CIA officer who left under mysterious circumstances, CARL ARBOGAST, a young, horny genius; and IRWIN "WHISTLER" EMERY, who is blind.

They are approached by two NSA agents, DICK GORDON and BUDDY WALLACE, who are impressed by their reputation. Dick and Buddy are willing to pay large amounts of money to steal a box capable of breaking any code from any government or business in the world. Martin and his friends are reluctant, but the two NSA agents sweeten the deal; they know Martin is a fugitive, and they can clean his record if he cooperates, or send him to jail if he doesn't.

They manage to steal the box without too much trouble, thanks to blind Whistler who, with Holmesian logic, deduces where it is. They give the box to Dick and Buddy, but OH NO—those two aren't real NSA agents. They are part of a conspiracy led by, of all people, Martin's old buddy, Cosmo (Ben Kingsley). The crew must run for their lives, and then steal the box back again or chaos will result.

This movie has some silly parts--for one, Cosmo ignores a prime rule for successful villains (kill the hero yourself instead of delegating it to a henchman and walking out of the room)--but these aren't bad enough to spoil the movie. The cast has top notch actors, and the interplay between the team members, especially paranoid 'Mother, and the others' is fun, Scenes of violence and action are nice interspersed with the humor. Except for some vague bashing of governmental intrusions, there's no social significance or intellectual message, but it's fun. Overall, I rate it at ++++. It can get your pulse up to a run.

Review of AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. - episodes 1-5

2013

PHIL COULSON runs a S.H.I.E.L.D. unit--(Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division)--in the MARVEL universe. Phil is a strange guy. He has a red 1962 Corvette that can fly, a good sense of humor, and he wears a suit and tie everywhere, even into active combat. Though the Marvel Universe has all sorts of supernatural creatures (like Thor), there's nothing supernatural about Phil, except maybe that he's died and been resurrected under strange circumstances that even he is not aware of.

Other agents in the group include MELINDA MAY, who pilots the 'bus,' a Boeing C-17 used by the agents to resolve crises all over the world. She's a kick-ass woman who can demolish five musclemen without breaking a sweat, At the limits of credulity, yes, but not impossible. Then there is FITZ-SIMMONS--actually two people. Fitz is an adorable male computer nerd, and Simmons is an adorable female computer nerd. Or is it the opposite? Doesn't matter because you never see one without the other, though the relationship apparently is not romantic. And GRANT WARD, is the stony faced mercenary whose main complaint is having to work with the others instead of saving the world by himself.

In the pilot episode (which starts just after IRON MAN 3), the agents investigate reports of a man, MIKE PETERSON, with superhuman powers. Peterson has been injected with EXTREMIS, a serum that makes him inhumanly strong, but also a little nuts and, if he isn't treated, will make his head explode. Literally, not figurative. SKYE, a hactivist with the group RISING TIDE goes to Peterson and offers to protect him from Shield. Rising Tide' mission is to expose all secrets to the public. The Agents of Shield are good guys, but they do have secrets that they don't want revealed. Can the agents catch Peterson before he and everyone around him blows up? And what should the agents do about Skye? With her computer talents, she could be a tremendous asset to the team if she's willing to join, but can she be trusted?

The characters don't take themselves too seriously. Coulson, for example, admits his red Corvette indicates a midlife crises. In general, there's a lot of humor and irony in the series, and the mixture with the action and violent scenes works well. The series has no deep messages or social commentary, but it's fun and it can get your pulse up to a run. I give it ++++.

Review of OUTLAND

OUTLAND

1981

The titanium mine on Io, one of Jupiter's moons, is a harsh and difficult place. Federal Marshal WILLIAM O'NEIL (Sean Connery) has just been assigned to that hellhole because he has a big mouth and speaks what his superiors want unsaid. The manager of the mine, MARK SHEPHARD, welcomes O'Neal with a speech in which he brags that his miners work hard and production is high, so they can also play hard.

There is a series of strange accidents. One man hallucinates spiders on his space suit, rips it open, and his insides explode in the vacuum.  Another man attacks one of the camp's prostitutes and threatens to kill her. Security forces kill him instead. O'Neil is suspicious. He consults with the camp's doctor. MARIAN LAZARUS, an acerbic wretch who never ever shows any emotion, sentimentality or caring. Usually. She agrees to help him, searches the medical records, and discovers that dozens of similar violent deaths have occurred in the past few years. Furthermore, all of the bodies were shipped off from Io without autopsies.

Unfortunately, CAROL O'NEIL, William's wife, has gotten the courage to send him a video message saying she was leaving Io to take their son, PAUL to Earth where he can live a normal life. She begs O'Neil to join her, but he has to finish his work in the mining colony.

O'Neil goes to one of the corpses still on Io, sticks a needle in its neck to extract blood, and finds a dangerous stimulant. After more digging, he finds a whole cache of the stimulant. This is what causes the high production of the mine and also the deaths. Shepard, the manager, must be responsible. O'Neil tells him he's uncovered the secret and intends to bring Shepard down. Shepard tells O'Neil he's a dead man, and arranges for assassins to come to Io to murder O'Neil. O'Neil asks the miners if anyone will help him, but they are afraid.

Oy vay.

This should be a wonderful workout film. It has an exotic setting, emotional complications, violent fights, sometimes to the death, mystery, betrayal, likeable characters, etc, etc. But, for me at least, there was no tension. Sean Connery does die in some of his films, but I never got the feeling he could in this one. Too many factors--like people about to kill themselves, Carols announcement that she's leaving, the betrayal and, of course, O'Neil's eventual victory--are all predictable. It will get your pulse up to a jog, so I'll give it +++, but I had hoped for better.

Review of FROM DUSK TO DAWN

FROM DUSK TO DAWN - first season.

 2014 series, horror, fantasy, mythology, vampires,

A beautiful young woman is running through the jungle with dark-skinned natives in pursuit. They catch her and throw her into a pit full of snakes, one of which, in a don't-tell-me-this-isn't-Freudian shot, plunges itself deep into her wide open mouth.

The scene shifts to two Texas Rangers, rookie FREDDIE GONZALES and his mentor, EARL MCGRAW. They walk up to a convenience store out in the desert, but unfortunately, brothers SETH and RICHIE GEKKO, who have just robbed a bank and killed some people, are inside. Seth is sort of a nice guy. He describes himself as a thief, not a killer, and, in fact, he does not kill people, at least not for the hell of it. Richie, on the other hand, is a total nutcase.

Seth tells the store clerk not to let the ranchers know he and his brother are there. The ranchers enter, and Earl says he wants to 'drain the lizard'. When he returns from the bathroom, Richie, convinced that 'drain the lizard' was a code to the rangers, starts shooting. Earl is mortally wounded, and with his dying breath, tells Freddie to kill the Gekko brothers. Freddie agrees. He will pursue the brothers no matter what the cost - his career, his life, and even his family's life. And it may very well come to that.

Though the title and the first scene suggest supernatural, the rest of the pilot episode doesn't show it. True, Richie hears voices and sees weird images, but he's so crazy, you don't have to consider paranormal. But in the second episode, vampires appear, and in the third episode, the snake lady is explained.

There is only one clear shot of naked breasts, which is strange because a lot of the action takes place in a bar called the Titty Twister. Maybe they felt that unlimited murder, torture and blood was okay for kiddies, but bare boobs?  No way.

The series is an elaboration of the movie, From Dusk to Dawn and, like the movie, is violent, interesting, and without a lot of repetition. On the whole it grabs your interest. Another season is planned, and I'll probably watch it. I give it ++++. It will get your pulse up to a run.

Review of POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

2003,

ARBIE and WENDY, two high school teens, are pledging undying love while making out in a graveyard. He has trouble loosening her bra, so she, with a pleasant smile, unhooks it herself, revealing a lovely pair of boobs. A crazed man with a hatchet in one hand and his erect penis in another staggers towards them, and they run away. Then a tentacle comes out from a grave, plunges itself into the man’s ass and out through his mouth.

This pretty much sets the tone of the movie.

A semester later, Wendy returns from college as a member of CLAM – College Lesbians Against Megacorporations. Wendy, her girlfriend MICKIE (whose boobs, as we later see, are not nearly as nice), and other Clam members are protesting a new AMERICAN CHICKEN BUNKER (ACB) restaurant because, a) it’s on an old Native American burial site, and b) it’s mean to chickens. Wendy’s betrayal upsets Arbie so much, he wants revenge and marches into the protested restaurant to get a job.

All the employees have restaurant themed names. The manager is Denny, and the workers are Carl Junior, Paco Bell, and Humus, who wears a bright red burka which she rips off at the end of the movie.

Strange things (to say the least) happen. Paco Bell is pushed into the meat grinder by an uncooked chicken and is turned into a talking ‘sloppy Jose’ sandwich. Carl Jr. tries to fuck a dead chicken, but it bites his dick which then looks like a broomstick with a circumcised head.  Through all of this, bodily fluids of a profusion of colors (but not white) are sprayed all over walls, floors, toilets, and people. The head of the ACB corporation, GENERAL LEE ROY, a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders and a former KKK member, tells everyone not to worry, but when people start turning into chicken zombies, matters really go downhill.

This is a stupid, gross, immature film. I’m surprised it got reasonably good reviews. It’s clearly aimed at thirteen-year-old heterosexual boys. But let’s face it, guys; a thirteen-year-old who laughs at fart jokes and cries out ‘BOOBIES’ at the sight of bare breasts lies not far beneath the surface in all of us. This movie made me laugh, and that helps my workout. I give it ++++.  It will frequently get your pulse up to a run.

Review of THE TOMORROW PEOPLE

THE TOMORROW PEOPLE - episodes 1 to 4

Released 2013

  

STEVEN JAMESON is a high school student with a problem. He wakes up in the middle of the night in strange places, including a neighbor's bed. He's been diagnosed as a sleepwalker, but medications don't help. Then a voice in his head, CARA COBURN, tells him he has a mutation enabling him to teleport himself and also to hear other people's thoughts by telepathy. That explains a lot. Also, the mutation enables telekinesis. These three powers, the three Ts, make the mutation carriers, the TOMORROW PEOPLE, into a new species, Homo superior.

Ah, but life is not easy for these people. JEDEKIAH PRICE, Steven's uncle, sees the Tomorrow People (TPs) as a threat to normal humans, and so has coopted a group of mutants, the ALPHAS, to hunt them down and either recruit them to the alphas, take away their powers, or kill them. His actual goal is to kill all the TPs but he doesn't tell that to many people, and not to any alpha TPs. To evade the alphas and also to keep their existence secret from normal humans, the TPs hide out in an abandoned subway station under the leadership of JOHN YOUNG, a former alpha agent who rebelled. TIM, a pleasant and presumably non-murderous HAL type computer, helps them in various ways.

Steven's father plays an unclear but important role in all this. The father, a man with considerable mutant powers, had abandoned the family when Steven was small to protect his family, but probably for other reasons as well. Steven must find him, and Jedekiah likely has information. So Steven becomes a double agent, working for the alphas, but giving information back to the TPs...

Why any mutant would work for Jedekiah is never explained. After all, they have telepathic powers, so they should realize he wants to kill all of them.

As with many series, the first episode, which explains the theme, is the best, but the next few episodes throw in enough new complications to keep it interesting. Also, the characters raise the question of just what it means to be human, though the matter isn't discussed with a lot of sophistication. Still, there's a lot of excitement. I rate it at ++++. It will often get your pulse up to a run.

Review of HAVEN

HAVEN - episodes 1-4

2010, supernatural, paranormal, mystery, Steven King,

AUDREY PARKER is an respected, workaholic FBI agent. When a killer, JONAS LESTER escapes from prison and goes to his home town of HAVEN, Audrey's boss sends her there to apprehend him. But Jonas turns up dead, thrown off of a cliff by some powerful, mysterious force. Audrey forms a somewhat uneasy alliance, with NATHAN WOURNOS a local cop who suffers from an inability to feel pain (and is thus subject to multiple injuries, though Nathan himself seems healthy.) The two investigate Jonas' death. Various suspects are checked and exonerated. One in particular, DUKE CROCKER, is a quirky character for whom Nathan has an intense, unexplained dislike, but at one point he saves Audrey's life, so he can't be the bad guy.

Throughout the episode, strange happenings are noted. Audrey is almost killed by a sudden earthquake and is struck by lightning during an unexpected hailstorm. One of the suspects in Jonas' death disappears in a mysterious fog. Audrey, an orphan, finds an old newspaper with a picture of the COLORADO KID, a woman who looks suspiciously like Audrey and who might be her mother. Mention is made of an era in the town's history called THE TROUBLES, which the suggestion that these troubles might have returned.

Hey - something paranormal has to be going on.  Right?

In each of the first four chapters, Audrey and Nathan investigate and resolve a violent supernatural incident provoked by someone who didn't know (at least at first) that they were responsible, and Duke is usually involved in the investigation.  Small clues are dropped as to Audrey's unknown past, the nature of the 'troubles' plaguing the town, and the antagonism between Duke and Nathan, but these take up only a few minutes.

In short, the episodes are predictable.

Nathan's inability to feel pain is an interesting characteristic, but the writers haven't done anything with it, so I wonder why they throw it in. Likewise Audrey's workaholism.

 

The series was inspired by a story, The Colorado Kid, by Steven King. The first installment is the best because you don't know what's going on. Afterwards, it's too much repetition of the same basic theme to keep your interest. I rate it +++.  It will get your pulse up to a jog.

Review of ORGAZMO

ORGAZMO 1997

JOE YOUNG is a Mormon missionary who, with his partner, finds lots of doors slammed in his face. One elderly woman is friendly and discusses her garden, but when he tells her he is LDS, she calls him a soul-stealer and tells him to fuck off.

MAXX ORBISON is a porn producer shooting a film, ORGAZMO, about a superhero who beats up bad guys and disables them with orgasm inducing rays. Maxx has a problem--his leading man is an unconvincing wimp. When Joe and his partner knock on Maxx's door, Maxx is so pissed off at being interrupted he orders his henchmen to beat them up. However, the Mormon boy knows karate and trashes the henchmen. Maxx is so impressed, he wants to hire Joe as his new leading man, and will pay him $10,000 dollars for a few days' work.

You have to understand that Joe is the kind of guy who says goodbye to his fiancée, LISA, with the phrase "Jesus and I love you." How can he take money for that kind of work? But Lisa wants to get married in the main Utah temple, which requires big bucks. Joe asks a little statue of Jesus for a sign, whereupon a small earthquake knocks the statue over, but that isn't clear enough for poor Joe. After much haggling, Orbison agrees to provide a 'stunt cock' for the actual vaginal penetration, and Joe agrees to become Orgazmo.

Needless to say, this will not go smoothly.

This flick is as funny as South Park, so it's no surprise it has the same writers, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The plot is silly and unrealistic, the characters are caricatures, grossness abounds, and even the fight scenes are obviously staged. Who cares? It's satire and it's hilarious. The film is not kind to the LDS church, but it isn't mean, either; in spite of his faults, Joe is basically a good guy.

The film has gotten a lot of bad write-ups, but those reviewers must have taken it too seriously. I laughed out loud during most of it. I give it ++++. It will get your pulse up to at least a run.

Review of THE CROW - SALVATION

THE CROW-SALVATION

released  2000, revenge, fantasy, supernatural, police corruption
 

 ALEX CORVIS (Eric Mabius), has been falsely convicted of brutally murdering his girlfriend, LAUREN RANDALL. He spends his last hour playing chess with a friend while a guard berates him for not having his lawyer harangue the governor. People outside the prison are calling for his death, Lauren's family hopes they'll get closure, and a CROW flies over the prison. The guards walk Alex to the execution room, and strap him in the electric chair. He proclaims his love for Lauren and his innocence, the guards attach a metal mask to his face, and the executioner throws the switch. But there is a lightning flash on the jail, and Alex convulses for a long time before his head slumps over.

Wheeling the corpse away, guards comment on how his face was messed up from the electrical burns. But when they leave him in a room, he moves a finger, then sits up. His face heals, though with facial scars like K.I.S.S. makeup. The crow leads him out of the prison and to the police evidence room where he discovers that specific corrupt cops were responsible both for his being framed and for Lauren's murder. Then it's just a matter of tracking down those cops one by one, letting them scream in horror at seeing him back from the dead, and then killing them violently. Each one up the line sees the one beneath get his due and knows what is coming. But the head bad-guy presents a special challenge...

This is the third movie in the series. The plots are almost identical--a man and someone he loves is unjustly killed, he is resurrected, and, with the aid of a crow, gets revenge on his enemies. This one is probably the best because you feel the most sympathy for the guy before he dies, and so exult with satisfaction when he wastes the malefactors.  

Alex's last name, Corvis, means 'crows' in Latin. That's the most subtle part of the film. Plotholes abound and the characters are all two dimensional. The movie is almost entirely made up of one scene of outraged vengeance after another. There is no instructive message or spiritual insight. But it's a great movie for working out. I give it +++++. It will get your pulse up to a sprint. The other Crow movies are also worthwhile for working out, but after a while the repetition gets tiresome.

Review of COOL WORLD

COOL WORLD - 1992

 FRANK HARRIS (Brad Pitt), a recently discharged WWII veteran, is taking his mother for a motorcycle ride when a car runs into them and she is killed. A scientist, DR. VINCENT WHISKERS in COOL WORLD sees the accident through an interdimensional portal.

Cool world is a parallel universe in which the inhabitants are cartoons (“DOODLES”), a fountain pen is a dangerous weapon because it can suck the ink from a character, and sex between doodles and “NOIDS”, (humans) is strictly forbidden because it could destroy both the real world and the cartoon world. Whiskers plans to teleport into the real world, but a mishap occurs and Frank is transported to Cool World.

Jumping ahead forty-seven years, we meet JACK DEEBS, a prisoner (he killed his wife's lover) who is being released. While in jail he had gotten inspiration to write a comic strip about Cool World, which he thinks is his own original creation. Drawing one of the characters in particular, the shixalicious HOLLI WOULD (Kim Basinger), has helped maintain his sanity while in jail.

When he gets home, lights flash off and on and Jack is drawn into Cool World to meet Holli. She is sex-personified, a beauty, but most of the rest of Cool world is chaotic, ugly, and violent, though, since the inhabitants are cartoons, no one gets hurt by the violence. Holli tells Jack she wants to go to the real world and feel reality. To that end, she seduces him and, in some pretty good morphing, becomes human.  Thus, the prime directive—no sex between noids and doodles—has been broken and the basic fabric of both realities endangered...

The plot is often silly, the animation is primitive, and the characters poorly developed. But the movie has a certain charm. Holli’s eroticism, though without nipples or pubes, is a pleasant stimulus for working out (at least for guys). Of interest, when she becomes human, she is no longer shixalicious. In one sequence, she flashes between her voluptuous form and a clown suggesting that preoccupation with sex is in itself not real, but rather something to be relegated to the world of cartoons and other fantasies.

At any rate, it helped my workout. I rate it as ++++. It should get your pulse up to a run.

Review of ORDINARY DECENT CRIMINAL

ORDINARY, DECENT CRIMINAL

Heist, crime caper, Kevin Spacey, released 2000

Two men greet a third who is waiting outside a bank for it to open. The two then put on ski-masks and take out guns, and suggest the third man try a different branch. When a woman opens the bank doors, the two thieves say "Good morning. We're here to make a withdrawal." Everything nice and polite, and no one is injured.

The police know who is the perpetrator, MICHAEL LYNCH (Kevin Spacey), a flamboyant, 'ordinary, decent criminal' in his words, but they can't prove it. This infuriates them, in particular sergeant NOEL QUIGLEY, who is obsessed with catching Michael. One time when Quigley's men trying to search Michael, he screams they're sexually harassing him, pulls down his pants and moons them, to the delight of the crowd. 

Michael lives with his wives, LISA and CHRISTINE, two sisters (in separate houses, nothing  kinky) and with his many children. Except for his habit of taking money and property that belong to others, he's quite a nice guy and is somewhat of a folk hero for his ability to flaunt the authorities.

However, life becomes complicated when he steals a priceless CARAVAGGIO masterpiece from a museum because the painting is so difficult to fence. This gives Quigley his chance. Then his accomplices want to overthrow him. The IRA gets involved. How will Michael deal with these new problems?

Comparing Kevin Spacey's role as an Irish criminal to his role as southern politician in GAME OF CARDS shows this actor's impressive versatility. The story itself is a cliché--smart criminal befuddles dump cop--but it's a fun cliché with lots of action, humor and a cute ending twist. I give it ++++.  It will get your pulse up to a run.

Review of HEAVY METAL

HEAVY METAL

heavy metal, graphic novel, animation nudity, 1981

A spaceship in low Earth orbit opens its bay door and out comes…a 1969 Corvette. Astronaut GRIMALDI drives/pilots the car to a safe landing in the desert, and with this bit of nonsense the film begins. Grimaldi opens a case he brought to show his the-year old daughter a green sphere, but the sphere disintegrates him, identifies itself as the LOC-NAR, the 'sum of all evils,' and forces the terrified girl to look inside it and see vignettes of what bad things it has done.

The first vignette is typical. A cab driver, HARRY CANYON, picks up a young shixalicious (my contribution to the English language) woman who is fleeing RUDNICK, a gangster who had killed her father while trying to get the Loc-Nar from him. Harry takes the girl back to his apartment for safety, and that night, instead of staying on the couch, she undresses and crawls into bed with him. It turns out the girl has try Loc-Nar, and decides to sell it to Rudnick and split the proceeds with Harry. But when Rudnick takes Loc-Nar out of its case, he disintegrates. The girl then says she wants to keep the money for herself, but Harry has a disintegrator specifically for fares who try to stiff him, and he uses it on her.

What? It doesn't make any sense? Don't worry about it. It isn't supposed to. It's just something to watch and let your mind be carried along with the absurdities.

The movie is an animated adaptation of the graphic novel of the same name. While the music is heavy metal, it's not so loud as to break your eardrums, and, in fact, fits nicely with the story, such as it is. The animation is primitive by today's standards, but that just adds to the charm and keeps you from trying to take it seriously.  There's lots of bizarre aliens, unrealistic blood and gore, and big breasted women with perky nipples and occasional glimpses of pubic hair, though no outright pornography. Hay, I like it.

The movie was largely panned when released, but afterwards became somewhat of a cult classic (like the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW). I enjoyed it, and plan to see the sequel HEAVY METAL 2008.  The combination of humor and action kept me interested and entertained. It's no cinematic masterpiece, but as a workout movie, it will get your pulse up to a run.  I give it ++++.

Review of HOUSE OF CARDS

HOUSE OF CARDS

Political intrigue, ruthlessness.  Released 2009.

FRANK UNDERWOOD (Kevin Spacy) is the majority whip in the House of Representatives. We first meet him when he is looking at an injured dog. He turns to the viewer, laments “useless suffering,” and strangles the dog with his bare hands. Then he lies to the dog’s owner about how the pet died. Thus we see what kind of person he is.

This scene is repeated later, though under much more dramatic circumstances.

Frank had secured the presidential election of GARRETT WALKER in return for the office of Secretary of State, but Walker betrayed Frank and nominated someone else. Is Frank angry?  Does a bear—well, you know. Frank is determined to get revenge and the power of a high office  no matter what the cost...to others.

Frank is a friendly Southerner whose relaxed smile and drawl somehow reminds me of Jack Benny. He has accomplices and coconspirators in his intrigues.  First is his wife of many years, CLAIRE. They have an open marriage with no secrecy about affairs and had decided long ago not to have children, a decision Claire is now revisiting. In addition to helping Frank, Claire is a power broker in her own right and heads a charity that may actually do some good by bringing clean water to Africa. Another important ally is DOUG STAMPER, Frank’s chief of staff and a loyal employee.  He carries out a variety of legitimate, illegitimate and borderline activities for his boss.

Together, these three manipulate Washington, not only to push Frank's legislation, but also to arrange cabinet appointments, gubernatorial candidates and even resignations of high officials. They also ruin countless lives by getting people fired or having their workplaces closed, and in one case, cause someone's death.

Unfortunately, the series is available only on Netflix.

Frank and Clair Underwood are realistic and intriguing. The ruthlessness and single-minded pursuit of their goals is fascinating, and when they have different goals, it gets even better. Yet they manage to be sympathetic. They are never cruel to specific individuals, and at times will even help people in distress, especially if they can get some advantage from helping others. Having finished the first season, I'm looking forward to the second. I give this series

Review of Boondock Saints

BOONDOCK SAINTS

 CONNER and MURPHY MACMANUS, religious Irish American brothers in Boston, listen to their priest preach against the indifference shown to Kitty Genovese's murder, and take the sermon to heart. Later, while they're celebrating St. Paddy's day in an Irish pub, Russian mobsters barge in, announce that their bosses have bought the pub and that everyone must leave at once. A fight breaks out, with the gangsters getting the worst of it. The next day, the thugs try to get revenge, but brothers Connor and Murphy end up killing them, albeit in self-defense.

Since mobsters are involved, an FBI agent, PAUL SMECKER, is assigned to the case. He puts on earbuds and wanders around the crime scene while waving his hands in time to operatic music. Then, like Sherlock Holmes (or Adrian Monk), he assembles clues no one else notices and recreates the case.

The brothers turn themselves in and confess the killings, but Smecker tells them they acted in self-defense and have not committed any crime. Everyone in their community regards them as heroes, and they conclude they have a mission from God to rid Boston of evil men. And there are plenty of evil men for them to remove. A wave of murders sweeps Boston, but since all the victims are criminals, the public doesn't know whether to grieve or cheer. Smecker identifies the brothers as the perpetuators of the killings, but he also can't decide whether to arrest them or not...

The movie asks a basic question: when is violence justified? Like Dexter, the MacManus brothers (along with their Italian friend, ROCCO) kill mass murderers, and in the process become mass murderers themselves. The question is easier to ask than answer.

One aspect of the movie was unnecessary. Smecker waving his hands in time to the music in a vaguely effeminate way shows him as a brilliant and eccentric cop, an interesting picture. But when he appears in bed with a guy, we see the hand-waving is just another gay stereotype.

This movie will get your heart beating and make the minutes fly while you're working out.  I give it +++++.  It will get your pulse up to a sprint.

Review of CASABLANCA

CASABLANCA

Drama, romance, WWII, Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Nazis, French resistance. 1942

"Here's looking at you, Kid."

The movie Casablanca is widely considered one of the finest movies ever made, but...a workout movie?

Yes. Absolutely.

For those unfortunates (mainly in recent generations) who have never seen it, here's a synopsis: World War II is raging. RICK BLAINE (Humphrey Bogart) runs a saloon and illegal casino in Casablanca, a city in unoccupied French territory. ("Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.") People come from Nazi occupied Europe to Casablanca hoping for visas to get them to America. Unfortunately, on the black market, visas can be gotten only for large sums of money, or, as one unhappy young lady discovers, other asses--I mean assets.

                                                                                            

VICTOR LAZLO, a leader of the resistance, is one of those looking for visas for himself and his wife. Rick happens to have two visas, but Victor's wife, ILSA (Ingrid Bergman), had once been Rick's lover and had abandoned Rick suddenly and without explanation. He's still angry and refuses to help Victor and Ilsa leave Casablanca. When Victor goes to a meeting of the underground that night, Ilsa sneaks over to Rick's hotel room and pleads for the visas, but Rick remains adamant.  Then Ilsa pulls out a gun and demands the visas. "Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor," Rick says. From there, the plot has some interesting twists...

"...you're in love with a woman. It is perhaps a strange circumstance that we both should be in love with the same woman. The first evening I came to this café, I knew there was something between you and Ilsa. Since no one is to blame, I - I demand no explanation." (Laslo to Rick) Rick is the protagonist, and is well played by Bogart in what is probably his best role, but the real hero of the story is Victor Lazlo. Brave, dedicated, charismatic, and understanding to the fault of being unrealistic, the man is a saint. The movie might be a little better if he showed some imperfection, but it's a minor point. Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa is just wonderful. I'm in love with her.  Talk about bedroom eyes, she has bridal suite eyes. My marriage could be in trouble, but fortunately, she's dead.

There is some mindless, institutional racism, but not vicious. The lack of any mention of the Holocaust or the psychotic anti-Semitism of the Nazis is more problematic, at least for me. Granted, the full horror wasn't known when the film was made (1942), but there was some information.'

This is a wonderful movie and a wonderful workout movie. If you've never seen it, you're in for a treat.  And even if you have seen it, it will frequently get your pulse up to a sprint. I give it +++++.

Review of HANSEL AND GRETEL - WITCH HUNTERS

HANSEL AND GRETEL - WITCH HUNTERS

Fantasy, 2014

Once again, we're in a little cottage in the middle of the forest, and the mother tells the father to take the children out into the woods and leave them there. Once again, the siblings find the house made of candy and, famished, start eating. No 'Nibble, nibble like a mouse, who is nibbling at my house', but we do have GRETEL giving the witch a chicken bone to convince her that she and HANSEL are too thin to be eaten, and we do have the witch being burned alive in the oven.

Then new material appears, sort of a Hansel and Gretel sequel. While opening credits flash on the screen, newspaper headlines appear and describe the wondrous exploits of a pair of orphan witch-killers-for-hire. In AUSBERG (a real town in Germany), SHERIFF BERRINGER is inciting a mob to burn at the stake a pretty young woman, MINA accused of witchcraft. H&G arrive, Gretel checks Mina's teeth as if she was a horse, and says because her teeth and skin are unblemished, Mina cannot be a witch. (God help any woman in that town who has psoriasis and dental caries.) Mina is grateful to them (so much so that later she goes skinny dipping with Hansel).

The mayor of Ausberg, ENGLEMANN, hires H&G to rescue children who were kidnapped by witches. Sheriff Berringer is really pissed and vows revenge for being deprived of his prey, Mina, and also for being deprived of the fee for rescuing the children and killing the witches.  The witches are also pretty pissed, especially a 'grand witch', MURIEL. And--guess what--grand witches can also disguise their faces so their skin and teeth look healthy.

Uh, Mina, is there something you need to tell us?

There's a lot of silliness in this movie.  The witches usually have incredible strength and speed, but when the plot demands it H&G can beat the crap out of them. Hansel, the jerk, bounds into a witch's house without looking, and, no surprise, gets knocked on the head. Also, there are uncomfortable aspects of the film. The witch burning is too reminiscent of Salem, white witches (yes, there are those) are good but black is bad, and Hansel and Gretel share a bedroom, granted with bunk beds but with her wearing only a pajama top.

In spite of all that, the movie is fun. It has no meaningful interpretation of the H&G myth or insightful portrayals of the characters, but it does have a lot of action and enough plot twists to draw you in. It got my pulse up to a run.  I give it ++++.

Review of 300

300

Historical fiction, drama, action. 2006.

In ancient SPARTA, a form of institutionalized child abuse, the agoge, was the preferred method to develop fierce warriors. LEONIDAS, after surviving unrealistically demonic wolves and other hardships, returns to Sparta and later becomes king. The Persians, under the leadership of the self-styled divine monarch XERXES, demand Sparta's submission, but Leonidas determines to fight Xerxes' massive army no matter what the cost to him or Sparta.  Even the gloomy predictions of the oracle, a beautiful teenager repeatedly raped by ugly lechers, and the refusal of the city council to supply him with an army doesn't deter him. He gathers three hundred of his most loyal warriors. With support of a few hundred untrained soldiers from other cities, he marches to Thermopylae where a narrow passageway should render Xerxes massive force ineffective and enable Leonidas' defenders to hold off the Persians indefinitely. Yes, the geography is good for the Spartans, but is it enough to hold off the huge army of Xerxes? Especially when there is a traitor out there?

The Spartans have naked chests and abdomens, and wear only a cape, helmet, boots, and black leather panties with lots of junk. They look like they're in a gay porn film.

Considering that the movie idea originated as a 'graphic novel' (a nice euphemism for comic book), it gets more historical details correct than I expected.  The agoge in Sparta was real, but it was more like a modern military academy than the near death sentence described in the film. There was an influential oracle at Delphi, but she was usually a middle age woman who was a respected member of society. EPHIALTES did betray Leonidas, but he was probably not a hunchback. And on and on.  Granted, the film is not intended to be educational, but why not get as much right as possible? A brutal military school, for example, can create as much tension as demonic wolves.

The movie is full of swordplay, blood and drama (or melodrama). If you like these things, the movie should get your pulse at least up to a run. I'll give it ++++.

Review of ENDER'S GAME

ENDER'S GAME

 

Science fiction, Orson Scott Card, Harrison Ford, released 2013

 

In the year 2086, a race of ant-like creatures, FORMICS, attacks Earth and is beaten off under the leadership of a military genius named MAZER RACKHAM (Ben Kingsley), but as a cost of millions of human deaths. Humanity then focuses on repelling a second attack. Earth builds a complex educational infrastructure where selected children must devote their lives becoming as good as Mazer Rackham--if possible. Though the formics have not launched an incursion for fifty years, surely one is inevitable and humanity must be ready.

 

ENDER WIGGEN is a student at one of the basic schools. He is exceptional in both academic and physical training, but is constantly being picked on by bullies. When one of the bullies attack, Ender floors him and then continues beating and kicking him even after he is subdued. COLONEL HYRAM GRAFF (Harrison Ford), who has been spying on Ender all along, asks Ender why his counterattack was so vicious. The answer: to prevent future attacks in addition to ending this one. Graff smiles. This is the characteristic he wants in a leader. Ender ends up promoted to the top level battle school and is given a series of simulated battles against the formics, most, but not all, of which he wins. Then comes the final simulation against a massive formic fleet.  But all is not as it seems.

 

As far as I remember, the movie is faithful to the book.  Orsen Scott Card is a devout Mormon, and his novels are said to reflect those beliefs, but I can't see any connection. The movie raises such issues as child soldiers, war in the absence of a clear danger and other problems, and discusses them in a reasonable manner. To what extent should society exploit the few for the safety of the many; how far can a civilization go to defend itself. There are no answers to questions like these. There's a surprise ending, so if you haven't read the book, be careful to avoid spoilers.

      

Harrison Ford as Colonel Graff is a disappointment. Gone are all traces of Han Solo, leaving only a constipated military bureaucrat behind.  Ben Kingsley, on the other hand, plays his role as the cool savant very well.

 

This is a quality film, both from a cinematic viewpoint and as a workout movie, especially for sci-fi fans. There are a few slow spots and a couple of plot flaws (mainly in the development of some of the characters), but in general it's well crafted. It will frequently get your pulse up to a run.  I give it ++++.

Review of EUROPA REPORT

EUROPA REPORT

'Found footage' science fiction drama, released 2013

Humanity is going to one of Jupiter's moons, EUROPA. Recent findings of heat signatures there have made this trip so urgent, a private company, Europa Ventures, is spending billions to send an international crew of six (instead of just a robotic probe) to search for signs of life. DR SAMANTHA UNGER, the CEO of the company, shows the enthusiastic beginning of the voyage, and she and the crew members describe the early part of the trip. Unfortunately (of course, unfortunately--it wouldn't be much of a story otherwise) communication between Earth and the spaceship is lost. Most of the film from then on is from the video diary of the pilot, ROSA DASQUE.

It soon becomes apparent that one of the crew has died, but just how is not shown until much later. The chief engineer, ANDREI BLOK, develops psychological problems. These events destroy the thrill of the journey for the rest. When they finally reach Europa, they land too far from their target in CONAMARA CHAOS (a real area on Europa), so KATYA PETROVNA, the science officer volunteers to take a surface walk, and does indeed find a one-celled living creature. Then the ice cracks and she dies. The survivors now have to decide to keep searching for more evidence of life or to return to Earth with what information they have…

Neil deGrasse Tyson puts in a cameo as himself, which is always welcome.

EUROPA REPORT has been described as a slow burning thriller. That's accurate. You don't even realize there's some kind of mystery for the first half hour.  The movies is also said to 'put the science back into science fiction,' but that's a laugh. People talk between the spaceship and Earth instantaneously with no light-speed transmission time delay, and one of the astronauts says the surface of Europa is at absolute zero temperature. Plus, the excuse, heat signatures, for sending people before sending robots is silly.

The film reminds one of 2001, but isn't nearly as well done. For one, the director jumps back and forth between one time period and another. Whatever his intention, the result is a confusing muddle that's hard to follow.

Yet even with all the negative comments, the movie held my interest, and I watched to the end. As a workout movie, I rate it at +++ - it will get your pulse up to a jog.

Review of PATRIOT GAMES

PATRIOT GAMES

Action, counterterrorism, Harrison Ford.  Released 1992

The film starts with JACK RYAN (Harrison Ford) drinking champagne with his wife in a pleasant, family-friendly scene in their hotel bedroom.  Wink, wink. Ryan, a retired CIA agent and professor at the Naval Academy, is on vacation in London with his family. This vacation is rudely interrupted when a car bomb explodes. An ultra-violent IRA splinter group is trying to assassinate LORD WILLIAM HOLMS, a British official and apparently a member of the royal family. Ryan leaps into the fray and ends up killing PATRICK MILLER, one of the terrorists. Patrick's brother, SEAN MILLER, sees Ryan kill Patrick and, being a good psychotic, determines to kill Ryan and his wife and daughter for good measure. Yes, Sean is arrested and sent to prison. Yes, Ryan goes back to the USA, thousands of miles away. But those details can't stop Sean, or there wouldn't be any movie.

Like HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, Patriot Games is based on a Tom Clancy book. In  my limited experience, movies made from his books are much better than the books themselves.

The movie has some cute lines. A terrorist is in bed with a woman he just picked up. She says, "Wait a minute. I have to get something." He says, "But darlin', you're not goin' to make me wear one of those rubbers. That's a sin." (SPOILER ALERT--he doesn't have to wear the rubber. In fact, he never wears a rubber again.)

It takes eight minutes from the opening until you first see a gun, so lovers of violence whose attention span is less than that shouldn't watch the movie. But once the violence starts, it goes full steam. Sean and his colleague, KEVIN O'DONNELL, kill so many people (including other terrorists) and for so little reason, it gets tiring. Yes, psychopaths are a staple of action movies, but enough is enough. Harrison Ford is entertaining, but half of his performance is a minimally sedated Han Solo, and the other half is a constipated academic. James Earl Jones is (as always) wonderful, but he has only a minor role.

A scene near the end shows the terrorists trying to kill Ryan in his own house. This should be exciting, but you know they will fail. The final scene, Ryan chasing a terrorist in a boat, is just plain stupid.

In spite of these criticisms, most of the movie is exciting. Harrison Ford is always fun to watch, there are some interesting twists, and the plot moves well. Most of the film got my pulse up to a run.  I give it ++++.

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