Review of POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

2003,

ARBIE and WENDY, two high school teens, are pledging undying love while making out in a graveyard. He has trouble loosening her bra, so she, with a pleasant smile, unhooks it herself, revealing a lovely pair of boobs. A crazed man with a hatchet in one hand and his erect penis in another staggers towards them, and they run away. Then a tentacle comes out from a grave, plunges itself into the man’s ass and out through his mouth.

This pretty much sets the tone of the movie.

A semester later, Wendy returns from college as a member of CLAM – College Lesbians Against Megacorporations. Wendy, her girlfriend MICKIE (whose boobs, as we later see, are not nearly as nice), and other Clam members are protesting a new AMERICAN CHICKEN BUNKER (ACB) restaurant because, a) it’s on an old Native American burial site, and b) it’s mean to chickens. Wendy’s betrayal upsets Arbie so much, he wants revenge and marches into the protested restaurant to get a job.

All the employees have restaurant themed names. The manager is Denny, and the workers are Carl Junior, Paco Bell, and Humus, who wears a bright red burka which she rips off at the end of the movie.

Strange things (to say the least) happen. Paco Bell is pushed into the meat grinder by an uncooked chicken and is turned into a talking ‘sloppy Jose’ sandwich. Carl Jr. tries to fuck a dead chicken, but it bites his dick which then looks like a broomstick with a circumcised head.  Through all of this, bodily fluids of a profusion of colors (but not white) are sprayed all over walls, floors, toilets, and people. The head of the ACB corporation, GENERAL LEE ROY, a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders and a former KKK member, tells everyone not to worry, but when people start turning into chicken zombies, matters really go downhill.

This is a stupid, gross, immature film. I’m surprised it got reasonably good reviews. It’s clearly aimed at thirteen-year-old heterosexual boys. But let’s face it, guys; a thirteen-year-old who laughs at fart jokes and cries out ‘BOOBIES’ at the sight of bare breasts lies not far beneath the surface in all of us. This movie made me laugh, and that helps my workout. I give it ++++.  It will frequently get your pulse up to a run.

Review of STARDUST

STARDUST

2007 Fantasy, comedy, adventure

The town of WALL is in most respects an ordinary English village of the 1800s, but it has one distinction--a stone wall that separates it from the magical kingdom of STORMHOLD. This barrier has a gap that is guarded night and day. DUNSTAN THORN, an adventurous youth, insists there is nothing more than a field on the other side, tricks the guard, and sneaks through the gap into Stormhold. There he indeed finds many wonderful and magical sights. The most enchanting is a beautiful woman named UNA, who is actually a princess kept enslaved by a mean witch, DITCHWATER SAL. Una sells Dunstan a glass snowdrop in return for a kiss. Then she takes him inside the witch's wagon to collect further payment. Dunstan returns home and nine months later finds on his doorstep a basket with a baby boy, TRISTAN.

Fast forward eighteen years. The nameless king of Stormhold is on his death bed, and his living sons gather around him. This is a bit awkward, since the king himself had killed all his own brothers to secure the throne for himself. His sons murdered some of their siblings, but have been so inefficient, four have survived. How is the king to choose between them?  He takes the royal ruby from around his neck, and throws it up into the sky. The child who retrieves it will be king. The surviving brothers (now three) set out on the quest.

Unfortunately, the ruby hits a star who is then knocked down to Earth where she is seen to be a beautiful woman named YVAINE.

Tristan, a lowly shop boy in Wall, is hopelessly in love with a beautiful twit, VICTORIA. As the two watch the star fall, she promises to marry him if he gets the celestial object for her. So, like his father, Tristan tricks the guard at the wall and enters Stormhold to search for Yvenne to show to Victoria.

In addition, three old and ugly witches see the star fall. They also want her, though their intent is not benign. They want to cut out her heart and eat it so as to have youth and beauty.

Who will get the girl-ruby (the connection between them isn't clear)? The wicked witches? The murderous princes? Or sweet, naive Tristan? The race is on, and a glorious romp it is, with magical inns, unicorns, and a flying ship captained by a transvestite pirate named SHAKESPEARE (he shakes a spear).

It's easy to guess who will win the race, but how will they do it? The screenwriter uses all sorts of funny twists to keep you guessing. As an exercise movie, this will get your pulse to a jog, so I give it +++. In terms of plain enjoyment, it will make you laugh and is a lot of fun.

MACHETE KILLS

 

Comedy, action, bizarre humor 2013

 

MACHETE CORTEZ (Danny Trejo) is a former federale agent who, not surprisingly, is handy with a machete. The film begins with a trailer (complete with the black flecks of old celluloid film) for a non-existent movie of Machete on an SF intergalactic mission. The actual plot starts with Machete trying to capture crooked soldiers who are selling arms to the Mexican cartels. Then gangsters appear and kill the soldiers. Then another group kills the gangsters. A corrupt Sherriff DOAKES appears, arrests Machete, and puts him on a stool with a hangman's noose around his neck.  After some racist comments, Doakes tells his deputy CLEBOURN to kick out the stool. Machete drops, but, in the first of several inexplicable events, doesn't die.  Then the President of the United States, RATHCOCK, calls and asks to talk to Machete. With reluctance, Doakes shoots the rope above Machete, who then answers the phone.

 

And thus begins the insanity.

 

The president wants Machete to go into Mexico and kill MARCOS MENDEZ, a terrorist threatening to nuke Washington if the president doesn't stop the drug cartels. But there's a catch: Mendez has wired his heart to the missile, so if he's killed, the missile will fire automatically--unless someone takes his heart out of his body and keeps it beating. So Machete must get Mendez back to the USA and to the one person who can disarm the missile. And he has only twenty-four hours or the missile will fire anyway.

 

There is a lot of action--car-chases, shoot-outs, fist-fights, etc. For me, the body count goes too high even for satire, but it is exciting.  There's also a lot of big boobs, women in leather bras and panties, and a fair amount of titillation, but no tits.  The jokes are low-brow to an extreme. When a woman is about to undo the top of her dress, a sign flashes, "PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES." But, sigh, the scene changes before you can see anything. A MADAM DESDEMONA, who runs a whorehouse and an assassins ring, straps on a gun-brassiere and a gun-dildo (that shoots from the testicles) and tries to kill Machete.

 

This movie should appeal to 13 year-old boys. The plot is ridiculous, the characters are paper thin and the jokes are puerile, but guys - let's face reality.  Most of us have an inner 13 year-old we can relate to without effort.

 

Two of my least favorite actors, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are in the film and play shithead characters. They do a good job with these roles, probably because they are shitheads themselves.

 

The flick is good for working out (though not much else).  It should get your pulse up to at least a jog.  I give it +++.

Review of THE ALMIGHTY JOHNSONS

THE ALMIGHTY JOHNSONS - episode 1-3.

Comedy, Norse gods, mythology, 2011

AXL's (Emmitt Skilton) twenty-first birthday has arrived, but this will not be an ordinary celebration. First, a meteor shower lights up the sky, and then the harbor turns blood red. These are significant omens. After that, Axl nearly gets run over by pretty young woman named STACY.  She apologizes and Axl invites her to his birthday party. Later, while they're getting to know each other horizontally, she pulls a dagger and tries to kill him--again. Fortunately, an earthquake, intervenes and saves Axl's life, though Stacy gets a chance to escape.

What's going on? Axl's brothers have the answer, and the next day they all get together. The brothers have interesting abilities. Anders (the god Braggi) can persuade women out of their clothes like magic. Ty (the god Hod) can chill a wine glass just by holding it (he repairs refrigerators for a living and his hobby is ice sculptures.) Mike (the god Ullr), the oldest and most responsible, can track down almost anything and can win all games, but he keeps these skills secret because he had abused them in the past.  The brothers explain to Axl that they all are reincarnated Norse deities--god of games and the hunt, ice god, etc--and that Axl is actually Odin, the leader of the gods. Axl is skeptical, but he has no way to explain how Mike always wins in rock-paper-scissors. Then the brothers, and cousin Olaf, who is really Axl's grandfather, take Axl into the woods, have him strip naked and hold up a sword.  Lightning covers him and initiates him into godhood.

Let's face it. These gods have puny powers. To bring them into their fullness, Axl must find his true love, the goddess Frigg. But there are obstacles. To recognize that an apparent mortal woman is actually Frigg, Axl has to sleep with her; he's gonna be a busy boy. Meanwhile, Stacy is one of a group of goddesses who want to rule the world themselves instead of having Axl and his brothers do it. They're trying to kill Axl. In addition to the near auto accident, they shot Axl with a heart-shaped arrow, (and now Axl has two hearts on x-ray,  an important detail for an Odin incarnation.) 

And for unknown reasons, all this takes place in Australia.

This is fun stuff. The premise and situations are laughably absurd, and the actors play them well. Emmitt Skilton in particular portrays Axl as a likable lout who can never quite understand what's going on. Poor Odin. Apparently, this is another series that was almost canceled, but fans wrote in and saved it. I understand why it generated such enthusiasm. The shenanigans of Axl and his brothers are entertaining and will get your pulse up to a jog.  I give it +++.

Review of IRON SKY

IRON SKY

Science fiction, Nazis, politics, Sarah Palin, parody, comedy 2012.

In 2018, the American president (never named but an obvious parody of Sara Palin), hoping to boost her ratings before the next election, sends two astronauts to the moon.  One, JAMES WASHINGTON, is black and quite photogenic, which is no surprise because he's a male model. They land near the border of the far-side of the moon, and--wow--WASHINGTON finds an industrial city, a Fourth Reich built by Nazis when the Third Reich fell. The Nazis plan to conquer the Earth, but their computers, 1940's relics, don't help. When Washington shows them a smart phone and says he knows the president, KLAUS ADLER's eyes light up. Klaus, who wants to be the next Furhrer, 'Aryanizes' Washington (makes his skin color Caucasian) and takes him on a flying saucer to Earth to get more smart phones and also to enlist the aid of the president. Klaus' genetically compatible girlfriend, RENATE RICHTER, who had stowed away on the saucer, explains how the Nazis want nothing but love and peace and happiness for all. The president buys it, and the campaign proceeds. However, Washington is really pissed that he now looks white. Renate tells him he should be grateful, but she ends up learning a bit more about the Third Reich than expected. And this blonde Frauline, with Washington's help, can put quite a kink into Klaus Adler's plans...

Silly?  Of course.  This film has plotholes big enough to fly a dirigible through. In fact, they even show dirigibles in space. For a moment, the movie looked like it might be serious, but when you see the Sarah Palin lookalike, well played by Stephanie Paul (move over, Tina Fey), the satiric nature is obvious. Nazis, politics in general and Sara Palin in particular, and gullibility in general all get hit with well-deserved ridicule.

At times the pacing is similar to AIRPLANE where scenes pretty much abandon the plot in order to make a joke. This movie isn't as funny as Airplane, but it does have a lot of laughs and is easy viewing while you're working out.  I give it +++.  It will get your pulse up to at least a jog.

Review of ZOOLANDER

ZOOLANDER
Fashion  industry, models, male models, satire, comedy. Released 2001

DERECK ZOOLANDER (Ben Stiller) is a famous male model. He is three time winner of the Top Male Fashion Model award, as vain as Narcissus, and dumb as a post.  Quotes: "Words can only hurt you if you try to read them." "Eugoogiligist: A person who delivers eugoogiligies." "I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself." His competitor, HANSEL, has a comparable intellect--he smashes a computer on the floor and wonders why he doesn't see files inside it. When Hansel wins a Top Model award instead of Dereck, Dereck becomes depressed and retires from the business because "there must be something more to life than being really, really good looking." Fashion agent MAURY BALLSTEIN (Jerry Stiller - Ben's dad), tells Dereck that fashion mogul JACOBIM MUGATU (Will Ferrell) wants to hire him. Dereck agrees and goes to Mugatu's spa, where he is conditioned to kill the Malaysian prime minister.

Whoops. How did Malaysia get into this? Well, the prime minister has promised to give his citizens a living wage. This will increase expenses for the fashion industry, so the style cabal has decided to kill him. It turns out these same people were involved with the deaths of several prominent people including Lincoln and Kennedy.

If you think this is insane, you're right. This movie is satire from the first frame to the last, and taking it seriously will spoil the fun. And it is fun, both in the characters and the plot. Will Ferrell's portrayal of the fashion mogul Mugatu is especially hilarious. Milla Jovovich's portrayal of KATINKA--think Natashi from Rocky and Bullwinkle--is also good. And by good, I don't mean nuanced or realistic.

In essence, this film has one gag--how ridiculous people can be. I imagine watching it in one session would be boring. But viewing it in segments while you work out (I do about forty minutes each time) breaks it up nicely. I give it ++++. Laughing at the sheer stupidity will get your pulse up to a run.

Review of BLUES BROTHERS

THE BLUES BROTHERS

Comedy, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, James Brown, Cab Calloway, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, and John Lee Hooker, John Candy, Carrie Fisher, Charles Napier, Henry Gibson, rock and roll, R&B, 1980

JAKE BLUES (John Belushi) is just getting out of the 'joint' after three years for armed robbery. His brother, ELWOOD (Dan Aykroyd), picks him up in a supercharged old police car able to jump open drawbridges in a single bound. The two go to visit the PENGUIN, a nun from their orphanage. She tells them the building is about to be foreclosed because of a $5,000 tax debt. Jake says, "No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning."

The nun, Sister Mary Stigmata, is outraged. "No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!"
Jake says, "Well then... I guess you're really up Shit Creek," whereupon the nun beats the crap out of the two of them with a yardstick.

The brothers are despondent. An old friend, CURTIS (Cab Calloway) suggests some 'churching' might help. There, in the middle of all the singing and dancing, a ray of light from above envelops Jake. The pastor (James Brown), shrieks, "HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?"

Jake says, "YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!" and has an inspiration--reunite their old rhythm and blues band and earn the money with a concert.
Easier said than done. First they have to get the old band members to leave their straight jobs. One is maître di at a posh restaurant. Jake goes in, takes a table, and, faking an Arabic accent, says to the man next to him, "Sell me your wife and daughters.  I want to buy them." Soon, the former head waiter is back in the band. The others don't require such drastic measures.

During all this, the brothers manage to piss off state and local police ("Unnecessary violence HAS been approved in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers"), a redneck country-western band, neo-Nazis, a bar owner and assorted others. In addition, a mystery woman (Carrie Fisher) fires bazookas and flame throwers at them when she isn't painting her fingernails. But the brothers are "on a mission from God" and never quit.

Will the Blues Brothers survive? Get the $5,000? Evade the hoards of pursuers and bring the money in time to save the orphanage???

The brothers' extreme lack of planning for the future is outstanding. Of course, it's largely in fun. Largely, considering Belushi's history.

This is one of the most high energy films I can remember. Besides being wonderful satire and hilarious, the music and dancing from these stellar performers is bound to get you moving. This movie should get your pulse up to a sprint.  I give it +++++.

There is a sequel, but it isn't nearly as good.

Review of GOD BLESS AMERICA

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Frank Murdoch is an unhappy man. He's divorced, lives alone, has migraines, and loud neighbors living below him who keep him from getting enough sleep. But worst of all is the cruelty and crudity shown on TV--one woman throwing a used tampon at another, people laughing at a retarded singer, and the like. To make matters worse, his daughter doesn't want to see him, and he loses his job because he sent flowers to a co-worker (at her home) to cheer her up. As a final straw, a doctor (who cares more about his new car than his patients) tells him he has brain cancer.

The only solution he can think of is suicide.  But, at the last minute, he sees a television program about CHLOE, the teenager from hell who curses her parents for buying her a Lexus instead of a Cadillac. This upsets him so much, he puts down the gun, seeks her out at her school, and shoots her in her car. That evening, back in his room, he puts the gun back in his mouth, but is interrupted by ROXANNE HARMON, one of Chloe's classmates. Roxy says the killing of Chloe was awesome, and persuades Frank to kill other worthy candidates instead of himself.

Frank agrees. The two of them kill Chloe's parents since they were responsible for Chloe, then people who talk too much in a movie theater, Tea Party nutcakes and many more. They do target practice, sightsee, and share a hotel room (one bed, but pillows separate them--Frank is not a pedophile.) Then Frank makes a disturbing discovery about Roxy…

This film is delightfully unpredictable. Bobcat Goldthwait, the writer and director, consistently delivers unexpected twists in the action. There's lots of blood and violence, but it all has a surreal quality that makes it comical, albeit in a dark way. While exciting and funny, the movie makes you think, and not happy thoughts. I plan to check out more of Goldthwait's films.

Cinematically, this movie is worth seeing. As a workout film, this will frequently get your pulse up to at least a run.  I give it ++++.

Review of THE MUSIC MAN

THE MUSIC MAN - 1962

The Music Man is a, satirical romantic musical comedy, and it works on all of these genres.

PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL (Robert Preston) has a nice little con going.  He sells band instruments and uniforms to children in small towns and promises the parents that by continually humming music, for example, Beethoven's Minuet in G, the kids will learn to play. After the equipment arrives and before the first band rehearsal, he collects the rest of the money and skips town, leaving the parents to the sad discovery that band equipment does not automatically create a band. 

RIVER CITY, IOWA, he hears, is an especially hard sell, so there he goes. First step--manufacture a need.  A new pool hall gives him the opportunity.  He climbs on a soapbox and rouses the townspeople with a brisk, rhythmic patter:

 

      You've got trouble, my friends, right here in River City,
      With a capitol T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool...

 Soon the whole town is worried about how:

       …libertine men and scarlet women, and ragtime, shameless music,

      will grab your son, your daughter in the arms of the jungle animal instinct,

      masssteria, friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground.

 Lucky for the town, Harold has a solution to the problem.

      A band will do it, my friends, oh yes, I said a boys' band, do you hear me? 
      River City's gotta have a boys' band and I mean she needs it today.
      Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand, River City's gonna have a boys' band,
      as sure as the Lord made little green apples, and that band's gonna be in uniform...

But Harold runs into a problem. He is attracted to the MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN, who advocates "dirty books, Chaucer, Rabelais, BALLzac."  After an incredibly gross attempt to woo her, he falls in love with her, and when the time comes for him to leave, he's reluctant.  Meanwhile, the townspeople are preparing the tar and feathers…

This movie can be summed up in two words--Robert Preston. His boundless energy and personality as he dashes about and distracts everyone from realizing that his promises are empty fluff are the best part of the film.  In addition, the music is wonderful, the dancing is energetic, the characters memorable, and the plot absurdly funny.

 The movie was 'updated' in 2003 to reflect modern 'sensibilities.'   I suspect someone thought Harold Hill's rants were serious--a mistake. The original movie is a parody, and whatever sensibilities the revision is supposed to correct can not make up for the lack of Robert Preston.

If you saw this film decades ago, you'll can enjoy it again.  If you never saw it, you have a treat in store for you. It's a superb movie. As a workout movie, it does have slow spots, but will still get your pulse up to a jog.  I give it +++.

Review of 'TEETH'

TEETH

DAWN is a speaker for a group advocating teen chastity. One of the boys in the group, TOBEY, appeals to her. They go swimming in a secluded spot, find a cave to dry off, and then start passionate kissing. Ah, but she's a chastity advocate and doesn't want to go any further. He, though also a chastity advocate, forces himself on her (which makes him a rapist), but OH MY GOD SHE HAS TEETH DOWN THERE. Chomp. One emasculated teenage boy who, mercifully, bleeds to death. When Dawn finds his penis in the swimming hole with a crab crawling on it, she freaks out. She looks up vagina dentate, suspects she has this mythological condition, and consults with a gynecologist. He tries to be gentle, but the examination is painful and, CHOMP, four fingers are on the floor of the doctor's office. After all this, you'd think the girl wouldn't let any masculine extensions near her genitals for a while, but she's soon confiding in a classmate, RYAN, and they end up having sex, this time without any difficulties since it's consensual. Next morning, they have sex again, but in the middle of the act, a friend calls, and Ryan boasts that he won the bet about scoring with the professional virgin (yeah, he's a professional shmuck). CHOMP!

You get the idea.

Like JENNIFER'S BODY, this is billed as a comedy-horror film. Though it has some tense moments, I didn't think it horrific, maybe because the basic premise is too fantastic for me to take seriously. The comedy description fits. This movie is hilarious. Scenes of body parts on the floor, blood spurting and girls screaming don't often make me laugh, but this one sure did. I like DEXTER so maybe that isn't surprising.

I'll leave it to others to explore the metaphorical themes of female empowerment or masculine fears of that empowerment. All I'll say is that it's worth ++++ -it should get your pulse up to a run. If you see it, let me know what you think.